To marry and enjoy kpekus or to suffer
And then I worry. How will I get kpekus when konji hit....is there an exception for people like me that don't plan on getting married? Like how are we going to get our own share of kpekus.
Hi guys,
Welcome to my first post here on substack.
I moved from www.wordpress.com because I fell into with this blogging platform.
So I've moved. Thanks for moving with me.
A brief introduction for our newcomers.
I am a self-diagnosed ADHDer still fighting for an official diagnosis here in Nigeria. I don't get why the whole process is too complex. I was officially diagnosis with Bipolar disorder in 2019 which I am doubting now.
I am also a frustrated student of the University of Lagos. I am a child of God. I enjoy reading good novels and writing. Lest I forget, I am broke too.
This post is about whether I am going to join you guys in doing 'I said Yes" or not. And why.
Please read to the end.it makes me feel good about my writing, lol.
I have a track record of not committing to things for a long time. After I got a mental health diagnosis, I started noticing it, though it was subtle.
It started with churching.
In 2018, I left my parents church for a tongue -speaking one. Where the members are addicted to giving and positivity. You must have seen them in your neighborhood with their devotional and heads of Jerry curls.
After my first year, I started giving excuses why I didn't want to go back. I had tangible ones. But when I scrutinized deep, I was bored. I wanted to experience a new church with new people, new worship and new euphoria. It made me feel good.
I did.
And left
And did again
And left.
Till I’d gone to 5 churches in five years.
Knowing that you guys are reading this and finding this out about me brings me shame.
It showed in schooling.
I didn't drop out. Don't worry, but I had gone to the counselling unit countless times with strong crying and tears begging them to give me a reason to stay. I always fantasize the freedom that I would probably be enjoying being a drop-out.
One, I was bored of the discipline I am studying.
Two, Because of ADHD traits, I failed and failed.
Three, I'm always broke. Schooling in a medical school is kinda expensive, and schooling in a tertiary school in Nigeria takes a lot from you. Time especially.
It has left many of us frustrated.
Unfinished projects?
From starting a courses in Tech to learning Korean language to taking courses in Forex and copywriting to being indecisive about what I want to do with my life to buying a guitar a year ago which is seating pretty in my hostel.
I am not always sure.
I can decide on A now, start working towards it , in few weeks or months, lose interest and see B which is flashy and start doing B , rinse and repeat.
There is this saying I made up to hold body.
"Try alot of things in your 20s. You are still figuring out life"
It is true but not exactly true for me.
Why ?
I have ADHD.
This is why I have so many fears and doubt towards marriage.
I am a spontaneous person.
Marriage is permanent.
If I get married, I will have to be committed to the end.
I that couldn't go hold down jobs.
I who is on the verge of dropping out after 5 years.
I that can't stay in a church
I that is always back and forth with my spiritual life.
I know marriage is not compulsory
But the fear of missing out is a thing.
Titi walks into their bedroom three years laters.
"Sweetheart, I want to break your heart"
Dele looked into her direction with a placid expression
"You want a divorce?"
"Yes. But how.."
"You are predictable"
Dele walked out of their bedroom, unbothered.
Waking up one day and breaking up this sacracy because I am bored and want to do other things that are more exciting, lol. But it is not funny.
Now, let me put this here.
The boredom I experience is as a result of dopamine inadequacy in my brain. It is different from what you experience.Once I lose interest, I can never go back to it again.
I want soft love but I don't think I have the capacity to do it forever.
It is safer to be single.
There are times I felt like maybe I should even to do it.
Date someone, hold hands, have deep conversation, do all the lovey dovey. Go to Jara mall together and take pictures. Meet our parents. Do wedding.
Have sex, sex,sex and more sex.
Have beautiful kids.
Visit our parents on holidays. Take Instagram pictures with hashtag relationshipgoals and do purpose together.
And there are times, I believe being by myself is safer. I want to make a lot of money enough to buy my parents a mansion in Lekki Phase 1, buy a car,take care of myself and friends, become a philanthropist, a Caine Prize Award winner and travel to all the exotic places in the world. Not being held down by a chain, marriage. I just want to live my life.
And then I fear. What if I regret not doing this marriage thing?
What if I wake up at 50, and realize I am lonely.
No children to call my own.
And then I worry. How will I get kpekus when konji hit. I believe in sexual purity but is there an exception for people like me that don't plan on getting married? Like how are we going to get our own share of kpekus. Married people can't be enjoying alone na.
I am spontaneous. I can't deny it anymore. I can't help it. I love the excitement of moving from one thing to another.
I am not sure marriage is a best fit for me.
I am not sure.
very expressive haha. i've got ADHD too (un-diagnosed) but ive been writing on sub-stack since last year October. Second longest thing Ive been consistent with since forever
I can relate with so things in this newsletter.
First of all, I have an official anxiety disorder diagnosis and I am constantly anxious about everything.
Secondly, I really don't like my course of study and I have no idea why I am in this frustrating school but I want to do really well and have good grades but it is taking a lot from me.
I also relate with getting bored easily, I start things all the time but I stop because I am tired and I am always tired.
Anyways, we will be alright.